My children are going with their dad for a weekend soon. They haven’t seen him for a few months and they are excited. This is one of the things I struggle with as a mom. I know that they need their father in their lives. But I struggle with the inconsistency of visits and parenting. I am a person that needs a clean break from someone when the relationship ends and divorce with kids does not give you that.
In short, I find it hard to move on. The fact that he is very much still in my life and affecting my schedule makes me resentful. The fact that I still have to talk to him and see him makes me frustrated and angry. The fact that he walked out and left me to care for four kids while he reinvented his life makes me even more resentful and angry. And it’s a cycle.
So how does a person function when their past is constantly in their present? How do we move passed that hurt and anger? Well, I am no expert. I run through a gaumet of emotions every single time I have to deal with him. Sometimes my inner monologue is just plain mean and sometimes I envision him falling into the Bermuda Triangle! But I try to keep it together for the kids, they didn’t deserve or ask for any of this.
I pull up my big girl panties. I grit my teeth and I keep our interactions brief and factual. I only talk about the children. If the conversation leans towards something that is none of his business I say so. I deal with him the same way I would any business client. He gets answers to his questions in the most direct way possible.
And then I go home to an empty house and try to stay busy. I take on projects that are half finished and some deep cleaning that never seems to be enough. My married friends always try to be supportive “at least you get a break” but it falls short. I don’t want a break from my life. I crave consistency and this is not it! I struggle to keep a smile on my face because they mean well but its hard. So I tackle more things and at the end of my break I’m usually exhausted.
Nothing about being a single mom is easy and its ok to admit that. It’s ok to give yourself a little grace and try to sleep in, go out or do that thing you’ve been wanting to try. Its ok to be frustrated and angry and hurt. It’s ok. You’re ok. Take it one day at a time and deal with your ex in the most business like way you can and when the kids are gone try to recharge, try that self-care. Be gentle with yourself and hold fast to the belief that good things are yet to come. Or go ahead and dream about that Bermuda Triangle, it’ll be our little secret.